In my first year of seminary, our dean was a Benedictine monk, Fr. Aurelius Boberick. He was legendary for his caustic, tempestuous nature as well as his genuine sympathy and compassion. He would constantly challenge our assumptions and push us to look at things differently, particularly our fixed notions of church, liturgy, and theology. In our first semester, we took a course called Proclamation of the Word to teach us to proclaim Scripture prayerfully and seriously. Often, unprepared students would make a mess of meeting his high standards of excellence. You knew you had failed at the end of your reading when you said, “The word of the Lord,” and he announced in a loud voice, “I doubt it!”
I think of Fr. Aurelius every time I encounter the story of the apostle Thomas telling the disciples in the Upper Room that he will not believe in the risen Lord until he puts his hand into the pierced side of Jesus. He is not willing to believe their eyewitness testimony. On the second Sunday following the resurrection, Thomas is in the Upper Room with the other disciples when Jesus dramatically appears, although the doors are locked. Jesus speaks to Thomas and invites him to touch the nail marks and his pierced side and to become a believer. Thomas, apparently touching nothing, drops to his knees and says, “My Lord and my God!”
The gospels remind us often about how those who were closest to Jesus, who had heard him teach and witnessed his miracles, still had trouble believing. I guess this means we are all in good company. Faith is not simply science. Faith lacks the precision of scientific knowledge (which ironically must always be falsifiable to be true scientific knowledge). Simply put, we wish to fully understand the mysteries of faith. Faith, however, defies understanding. I think it is necessary to have the presence of doubt at all times in matters of faith. Doubt reminds us that there is no certitude (and similarly, no certitude in science either).
One of the most precious Scripture phrases for me is an antiphon recited on the second week in the Office of Readings in the Divine Office. “Surrender to God and he will do everything for you.” Before we can surrender to God, we acknowledge our doubt. Jesus articulates this doubt in his agony in the garden and on the cross when he says, “Why have you forsaken me?”—the first line of Psalm 22. The resolution of this doubt comes when he says, “Into your hands, I commend my spirit.”
We carry the same doubt in the procession to receive holy communion. Can this really be his body and blood? Is God really this merciful? How can a sinner like me receive holy communion when I persist in my sins? We become Thomas! And just like Thomas, when presented to the Lord himself with the words, “The Body of Christ” and “The Blood of Christ,” we surrender just like him. You know the word… AMEN.
